trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
