Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize