u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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