Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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