You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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