my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i wish my penis had a tongue
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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