My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
