suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
