god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
