I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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