respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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