Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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