@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
