new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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