We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
