I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
