My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
