Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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