it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
