I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
