i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
