Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
