guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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