the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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