i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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