If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
