if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
