I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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