it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
