My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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