Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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