You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
