Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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