You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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