i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
There's even glitter on my cock...
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