the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
