Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
