I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
