We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Is it penis luge time yet?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
