We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
