I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
