My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
