It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
