What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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