8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
