she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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