saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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