Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
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