he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
