i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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