If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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