just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
it was like having sex with a tree stump
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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