You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
