apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
