he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize