And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
