Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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