So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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