there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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