At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
