That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
