What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
