i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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